Seriously.
I'm going to tell you about today.
And it is me talking to me.
I could tell you nice, flowery things...but I'm kind of not in the mood to flower up my feelings right now. It just sounds deceiving and quite frankly, exhausting. Anger is exhausting.
So, anyone reading (if I have any readers)...go ahead and skip this post.
Right now Molly is crying, talking, and making excuses in her bed because she doesn't want to sleep.
Eden keeps saying "Molly! Go to sleep! I am exhausted!"
Leila is still awake, probably with her head under her pillow.
(And I'm making Tyson deal with it because I'm in no position to handle the situation at hand...it would definitely end poorly. This is simply the end of a day filled with fighting, meanness, lying, stubbornness, yelling, tattle telling, complaining...and grounding.)
The current sleeping dilemma is the fairness of letting Molly stay up because she's not letting the other girls sleep but then she gets exactly what she wants and the bad habit will continue night after night. Or else Tyson continues to stay outside their room trying to keep her calm and quiet (and in her bed) while playing primary songs. That seems the best option I suppose.
Paige is asleep on our bed because she fell asleep while I read her stories.
The reason she is nicely asleep is because she all of a sudden developed this hate for being put to naps and bedtime in her bed. She does a bloody curdling scream in her bedroom that lasts for long enough to cause problems for the other kids to not go to bed at their regular times from the noise. She often does this if she wakes up in the. Night as well...luckily she is often tired enough and the other girls are such heavy sleepers that the screaming doesn't last long before falling asleep.
My dilemma, I hate hearing her scream. It makes me feel bad. But I also don't want her to develop habits where Tyson and my sleep and quiet time suffer. Trust me, we are not very happy people when we lack sleep and alone time. Although, articles and thoughts run through my head about the negative affects of having your child "cry it out" or feeling selfish or that I'm just not understanding my child's needs or that I'm simply lacking in love and patience during this short time when the kids will be little and that one day, this time when my kids actually want to be with me, will be over and I'll feel ashamed for not having cherished the childhood moments with them and the "simple problem" that I face now will seem like nothing compared to larger problems that come as they grow older.
But then the problems are deeper than that.
Molly has recently developed a stubbornness that lasts all day. She has her plans, her ideas, and her likes and dislikes. She does not easily change those plans. I debate, "Perhaps she is too young to force her to have chores?" "Perhaps she is too little to force her to sit at the table to eat at least a bite of her food?" "Perhaps the problem is ME trying to FORCE anything on anyone?"
So, I try not to force. Gentle persuasion.
But gentle persuasion takes time. I hate time.
How much time do I spend with a child before it becomes unfair to the other children? "She get one-on-one time with mom because she isn't doing what she is supposed to?" That logic doesn't seem right. Not to mention that I simply have other obligations. The kids have school, the kitchen is permanently dirty but at some point I need clean pots, pans, and dishes to eat on, the doctor isn't going to postpone the appointment simply because I ask nicely, and Tyson doesn't deserve to come home to a late dinner inevitably followed by a late bedtime.
Then the other side, no persuasion or forcing. Just let it go (let us all be more like Elsa). She's little. No chores and food is optional. But what about teaching social responsibility and she's already been overly tested by the doctor because she is so small (and when we pushed more eating on her it did have an impact on her growth).
Hmmm...maybe I could create a plan....I always say, "with privilege comes responsibility" (trust me, my kids know this phrase and many rolled eyeballs have come with it). The problem is making it fair amongst the ages of children. Each responsibility gets a privelege. You choose to do or not to do them but you are also choosing to do or not do the privelege. Realistically, we already have this plan at our house. There are certain responsibilities that need to happen in order to get your priveleges but Molly is a bit of an exception at times for various reasons. I think I need to make some slight changes so it pertains to Molly more. OK, this venting is good.
Next issue, Paige is following suite. She's developed an anger in her soul. Perhaps at her age it isn't anger as much as a learned response. I guess the answer is right there.
I deal with anger.
I admit it.
I hate it.
And I can see it cause a chain reaction with my children instantly. If I yell, they yell. If I get angry and frustrated, they get angry and frustrated. Often the good reactions also lead to good reactions. But it is more like, "If I can let go of my anger and be completely patient and understanding for 'X' amount of time ('X' being dependent upon which child I am referring to....some take longer and some shorter) then eventually they learn patience and good reactions and love for me in return."
P.S. I hate saying things like "...for me in return". I feel that I am being selfish and only doing these things so they will do things for me in return. I should just love them and do things simply because I care for them, not to get something in return...like "I now deserve children who help me clean, listen to my requests, follow what I ask of them, you know...be "good" children (at least according to the world's view) because of what I have done for them!" Very unloving.
Anyhow, that's another is problem I have...with myself. I've got a long list of those that somehow need to be dealt with as well. Haven't figured those out.
I've now grown exhausted just thinking and making this internal list of problems in my head.
I know my problems are few.
I think that may be another solution. A solution that I have come to often but then fail to absorb in my life. Life is not an exhausting list. It just wears and eats at me. It is simply living in the present. Listening to God. Listening to my body (which God gave me already fully incorporated with the ability to recognize my needs and other's needs).
Alright, I'm going to try it (again).
And I'm going to create a revised responsibility/privilege chart for my children.
I'll have to think about the bedtime situation. I need some quality kneeling time for this one.
Blog, thanks for giving me a way to find hope again.
